Picture Communicating

Your words mean nothing.

That's right. Words by themselves mean nothing. We don't communicate with words. We communicate through pictures and images. The words simply paint the picture. That's why communicating in person is more effective. You can use facial expressions, hand gestures, whole body language, voice inflections, pauses, and so on, to paint a more comprehensive, detailed, specific picture.

What makes written or electronic communication so difficult is you are severely limited in how much of the picture you can elaborate on. Even the simplest, "You're the best!" email can come across as a pat on the back or a sarcastic undercut depending on the recipient's view or feelings about your relationship or current situation.

Communicating is an art, but you don't have to be artistic to do it well. You just have to be understanding (and it helps to have a nice arsenal of words or descriptors). What do you have to understand? This:

The thing that frustrates communication the most is that we aren't the sole painters of someone else's picture. Our pictures are influenced by heaps of past experiences and cultures and through those past experiences we've developed reference points.

For instance, "cold" weather doesn't mean the same thing to a Minnesota native as it does to someone in Phoenix, Ariz. A "long" run conjures up different distances for a marathoner and a couch potato. What's "rude" in the South is "normal" in the Northeast.

Now, these are the simplest examples used in extreme contrasts. It becomes more complex when discussing a mission statement for a company, steps to completing a project or feelings and intentions in a relationship. While you are trying to paint the picture as you see it, the other person is calling up old images of corporate hierarchy, failed or successfully attempts and previous relationships, healthy or broken.

Strip this down to the barest form. Take a very young child just learning to speak. If her parents consistently show her a picture of a cow and associate it with the word pig, the first time a school teacher asks her to pick out the pig amongst farm animals she will surely pick the wrong animal. The teacher will be plenty frustrated trying to repaint her image of a pig. Now, in this case enough consistent, definitive outside influences will eventually reveal the truth to her, but it becomes more complex when you start talking about, let's say, the images and feelings of the word God.

This is why you are taught to "know your audience". It's why it is better to listen first and why you should try harder to understand than to be understood. When you collect enough information about their past experiences and points of reference you can get a basic idea of what their preconceived picture is. From there, you can rearrange their base image to look like the picture you are trying to paint.

Word choice can be a very valuable tool in accomplishing this and is something I put a lot of effort into. When I communicate, I like to use several words to give you the parameters of the picture: "I get anxious, uneasy, unsure immediately after posting a new blog." If you only throw one arrow there's only one landing spot, but if you throw a bunch of arrows you get an idea of the right direction we're going. It's up to you to discern when to use each technique. Sometimes I also like to tell you what the picture is not: "I'm not nervous or scared." Usually a combination of techniques is best or most complete.

Word choice, or terminology, is especially powerful for coaches. I remember watching the best shooting coach I know carefully select his phrases when instructing a player and then cringing immediately after the words left his mouth, unsure of how the shooter would interpret it and in fear of muddying his image. (By the way, notice how you immediately thought of a basketball coach because of what you understand about me? Or did you think of another shooting coach because you were working off your image and not mine?)

But choosing words isn't always easy. In some cases the exact definition of a word is obsolete or moot. This is when it's important to understand cultural and past-experience influences.

Take the sentence I wrote earlier: Communication is an art, but you don't have to be artistic to do it well. Literally, that's a false statement. Based on the definition, you have to be artistic to do communication well if it's actually an art. But I assumed as soon as I declared communicating to be an art, I turned off everyone who thought poorly of their ability to draw, paint, design and the like. So, I saved their attention by playing off their presupposition of the word "artistic".

If all of this sounds difficult/complex/frustrating, it's because it is. These nuances and barriers play a large factor in our complications, confusions and problems. The good news is if you apply yourself to understanding others' pictures, you won't just become a better communicator but also a better driver, anticipating the next move of a fellow road warrior; or a better shopper, predicting where items are located in the store and when sales will happen; and it will surely reveal itself in other areas of life.

So, what can we do to become better communicators?
1) Seek to understand before being understood. Be willing to work off the other person's canvas. If your mind is set on working from your canvas - your assumptions, your experiences, your understanding - it won't translate for the recipient. If you're willing to start on their foundation, you'll have better success.
2) Don't assume. It's makes an A-S-S out of U and ME.
3) Technical components of the language like sentence structure can make a difference. Awareness of these nuances can take you to a new level of understanding.
4) Try to expand your word choice, but keep in mind the biggest or newest word isn't always best. It won't enhance the image if the receiver doesn't know or understand it.
5) Be consistent with your terminology, but try not to use the same word too often in one picture. It can dull the word or confuse the image.
6) After you have painted your picture, have the recipient regurgitate (talk about nasty images!) - have the recipient retell the picture. Inevitably, they will describe the image they have painted combining your words with their past experiences. Then, you can see how closely it matches your picture and revise as necessary.
7) Repeat the important stuff. You never know when they spaced out and which part of the picture they missed.
8) Take it as a red flag when someone accepts your picture before you're finished painting. This can be in the form of disengaging from the conversation (you'll be able to tell) or quick, sharp, repetitive affirmations: "I know." "Got it." "Yep." It's like buying an unfinished painting to hang in your living room. How do you know it matches?
9) Finally, realize you will also be on the other end of this picture painting process. The biggest deterrent to learning is, "I know this already." Pay attention until the artist is finished, and if you've heard it before, maybe there's a reason they're saying it again.

We won't master communication overnight. This blog post alone is a culmination of thoughts from six years of informal field study and observation, and I'm sure I will add, subtract and revise over the course of the next six years. Just be willing to learn and eager to understand. Start today and continue tomorrow.

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

--Proverbs 2:1-6

EDITOR'S NOTE: Check out the comments for updates and new thoughts added to the original post.